Fellas. You’ll never believe this. I’m king of the streets. They’re going to build a monument in my honor right next to that sausage stand. I’ll eat until death like those crazy running mutts in Alaska. But after 365 long, soulless nights, which is practically seven years for us, I finally got off the floor. Some of you won’t believe me, but I honestly don’t care since I pissed on all of your corners on my way over here. My plot to win Vicky’s love is well underway.
To be fair, Vicky already loves me more than anyone in the universe. She tells me all the time. When she comes home from work, she pets my belly and gives me tasty treats, which she hides from HIM, the evil Satanic monster known as George. We go for long walks, just us, along the water and she tells me what’s going on in her life. Vicky gets me. She even lets me sneak in the bathroom when she’s showering.
Fine, she doesn’t exactly let me, but I never get in trouble when I do. Unless George is home. The demon. He drags me out by my collar and yells. I bark very loudly, but this enrages him further. It’s not my fault Vicky loves me more than him. Wrapped in a towel, she tells the ogre to behave and feeds me hamburger meat.
That’s right… I’ve never tasted anything other than human food. You all think you’re so trendy with your leather leashes, but I’m paleo. I could win one of those Madison Square Garden pageants, if I wanted. But Vicky doesn’t want me participating, so I don’t end up in therapy like those other pooches.
But G, which really stands for Grendel, would shove me out the window if it were up to him. He locks me in a cage and berates me for peeing on his gym clothes. I can’t poop on the flowers outside our building or gnaw his shoes, either. Before last week, I was sentenced to a lifetime of sleeping on the floor.
Do you know how terrible it is, sleeping on the floor? I have back pain. Real back pain and I’m not even old enough to get fixed, which by the way is never happening.
Fortunately, I made so much noise Vicky got me Puppy Xanex, which George strongly opposed. They argued over if for hours. Names, curses – it was better than chasing a Frisbee.
Then, Vicky took me out for a stroll and I thought we’d finally broken free from the golem, but when he got back to the apartment, my nemesis had bought her tulips. The jerk. As consolation I chewed his wallet. He tossed me off their mattress with extra hard that night.
Another night, another failure. Nothing worked. Barking, making messes – I even forced myself onto Vicky, but she just pushed me aside. Do you know how embarrassing it is to hump someone’s leg and hear laughter? I didn’t eat for three days, which ended up in a trip to that evil man in the white coat.
But I needed a spot in that bed next to my beloved. So I threw away my dignity worse than tucking my tail between my legs. I started playing nice.
Ugh… don’t laugh at me. SHUT UP! SHUT UP! What else could I do!? I followed him around the coffee table, enduring the smell of his terrible cologne. How does she put up with it? It it was worse than the time George tried abandoning me at a duty free store, which he claims was an accident. But after enough petting and silence, I crouched like one of those wartime shepherds in the movies.
“Awww… look how cute he’s being right now,” Vicky smiled down at me.
I love when she tickles my chin.
“Vicky… he’s not sleeping in the bed.”
“Yes… you twat,” I wanted to scream. “Why not!?”
“Because,” he scoffed. “It won’t be this once. It’ll be every night..”
I have to give him this: G wasn’t an idiot.
“But look at him!” Vicky petted me. “Plus he’s been so good lately. You guys have been getting along so well.”
“You don’t think I don’t know what’s going on?” George wagged his finger. “This is all part of his plan. He wants to be next to you. That’s the only reason he’s been nice to me.”
I’ve been exposed!!!!
“You’re being crazy,” she defended me. “Do you know how uncomfortable it is to sleep on the floor every night? Look at him. He loves you. He just wants to be with us.”
“It’s not happening.”
They argued for a while as she defended my honor. Next thing I know, I was nestled next to my soulmate.
Good day, gentlemen.